Kayla Evins: Zombie Hunter
by InsertContradictingPenName
Summary: After years of freedom, it had happened. It was as if she had come flying out of a darkened nightmare from which no happiness escaped. But she was there to stay no matter how hard Kid schemed. And she was ready to turn the DWMA into a battlefield. Because she was Kayla Evins... Zombie hunter. CronaXOC


_"What."_ the news came as a great shock. It was as inexplicable as it was rotten. The young man being delivered the horrifying truth nearly threw a fit. It was quite uncharacteristic of him to demand something so sharply, but without further information he may very well have thrown a tantrum. And not a simple foot stomping six year old tantrum either. If anything he would act exactly like a three year old meth addict in the middle of the pickled items section of a crowded supermarket. But, being the mature adult he was, he managed to grip the microscopic, yet still perfectly symmetrical, thread of sanity he had left as his father collected scattered thoughts.

"Don't worry about it too much; it'll only be for a day or two at most. Plus, it'll be good for you to reconnect with an old friend!" a ray of optimism shined down upon the obsessive compulsive son of Shinigami-sama, a very cartoony version of the Grim Reaper. Death the Kid nearly shot his father right then and there. The only thing stopping him from doing so was the fact that his weapons, Liz and Patty Thompson, were still in class.

Kid liked to imagine them studiously finishing their quarterly research paper, but he knew very well that Patty was making a giraffe out of her old assignments and Liz was dutifully painting her nails a nice cream chiffon color. However, enjoying thoughts of scholastic effort was not the boy's top priority at the moment. He was far too busy holding back the seizure brewing in his cerebellum.

It wasn't that the news was particularly shocking, it was more that Kid would have much rather died than done what was about to be forced on him. An hour would push him to suicide, let alone two days of pure, unadulterated torture. Shinigami-sama didn't think anything of the event, however. He thought it would be wonderful for his son to catch up with an old friend while the tenants cleared out of her new apartment.

But what he didn't realize was that being in a mile radius of the female made Kid want to die a violent and painful death. A total lack of symmetry seemed more appealing than even looking at that female. Especially now. He'd heard rumors of her current state and nothing made him more furious than knowing he'd have to live with it.

"You're absolutely positive nobody else can house her?" Kid inquired, in a burst of desperation.

"Nope, oh and could you show her around the school when she gets here?" Shinigami-sama sang. He would have been even more joyful if it hadn't been for the fact that there was a pile of paperwork behind him to finish up. Kid grimaced sharply.

He spoke between grit teeth,

"I think she would do better exploring at her own pace."

"She's coming through now!" the father of the disgruntled youth crooned. He had called upon a friend for a favor and gotten the young woman teleported to her new school. Ever since she and Kid had become close "friends" Shinigami-sama had adored her like a daughter. Though in truth the most traumatizing part of Kid's early childhood was the fact she had been treated like a member of the Death family for so long. In reality, it had been a maximum of a year that she frequented Kid's home during her kindergarten years but it felt like an eternity due to Kid's searing hatred of the female.

He braced himself for her arrival by taking on a perfectly symmetrical stance and summoning all of his maturity. If he wished to survive the train wreck of a human being, he would need to all his courage and all his manners. Under any other circumstances, Kid would have taken a week to put together a vicious training montage to prepare for the event but he was not so very fortunate. In fact, after a few moments of thought, it was a bit odd that his father had sprung such an important thing upon him with no warning or concern. But it was too late to think about that.

She had arrived.

A young woman clutching a cherry flavored Slushee materialized out of thin air right in front of Kid. For the sake of keeping his sanity in check, he found it imperative to describe her physical being. She was a somewhat tall female, standing at about five and a half feet, with a short torso and long legs. Breast length, straight, blonde hair sprouted from her head along with an awkward tuft of black that shot out in the front for no apparent reason. As of that weren't asymmetrical enough, Kid went on to inspect her eyes. Or really eye, to be frank. On the left side, there was a golden orb of perfectly functioning optical capabilities.

On the right side, there was a large, eye shaped piece of white crystal decorated by a smiley face jammed in the empty socket. The rest of her head was entirely ruined by grotesque scars and out of place ear piercings that hadn't been given an exactly placed counterpart. Kid was so overtaken by the imperfections he could hardly manage to glance at the black-blood drenched fabric covering her body. Judging from the tiny square of untouched yellow, the tank top she was wearing hadn't always been a disgusting brackish red. And her ridiculously oversized pajama pants might have had a polka dot pattern at one point.

The only thing not absolutely destroyed by blood was the tool belt hanging just above her hips. Well, it wasn't as much of a tool belt as it was an arsenal. There were axes, hatchets, bats, crowbars, tire irons, and just about every other useful household melee weapon in current existence. The only item missing was the claw hammer and that had been perched on the female's back. A five year old girl was lounging on her meister's right shoulder with a bored expression on her face.

She yawned, leafing through a graphic doujinshi manga as she gulped down a cup full of crushed ice. This female was much more symmetrical than her master, thank the Lord. She wore a pale pink snow suit with fur around the hood and sleeve holes and a pair of black mittens. Two half-mast green eyes stuck out of the heavy hood along with a very cutesy red nose. All in all they looked like the very confused survivors of a vicious plane crash.

"And that's how I found out that rabbits don't have souls!" the overly zealous blonde cheered. She let out an earth shattering belch, pounding one fist down on her chest sharply. Kid wanted nothing more than to rip out her other eye, fix her terrible hair, align her tool belt, and then shoot her directly in the face. He shook his head. The male liked to think of himself as a very reasonable death god, one that could tolerate almost any shenanigans and respond with the proper punishment. He didn't normally hate people and if he did there was always a well-defined reason for his feelings towards them.

But this was different. To be quite frank, Death the Kid just fucking hated her. She was foul and disgusting and asymmetrical and ugly and violent and stupid and odorous and terrible in every logical sense of the word and even some senses that didn't exist yet. Yet the worst part was that he only hated it from her. He could tolerate Black Star's idiocy and Tsubaki's lack of symmetry, he could handle the stench of Sid's rotting flesh and living a life based off violence, he hardly ever took issue with negative traits due to his wondrous level of maturity. But this woman was the exception.

"Yo! Kayla! Rita!" Shinigami-sama clapped his enormous hands together. The blonde threw her five year old friend onto the floor just in time to give the lord of all death and destruction a bear hug. Kid's eyes twitched. He would have just seized one of them for dramatic effect, but that would have meant being asymmetrical for a split second.

"Shiniga-" the blonde was cut off sharply by a skull crushing blow to the back of the head. Her snow suit wearing comrade held a silvery, hammer shaped appendage up for the world to see. A hand took back its rightful place after a moment, but the damage had already been done. The bearer of the arctic clothing paid her respects to Shinigami-sama in the form of a gracious bow.

She peeled the crumpled blonde off the floor, the same bored expression gripping her cheeks, and gave a short wave of acknowledgement to Kid. He had absolutely no idea who the tiny female was, but he waved back nonetheless. It seemed like she had a bit of a handle on her meister, something that was spectacularly hard to achieve under the given circumstances.

"Oh! And Kiddie!" the blonde crooned, clapping her hands together a giggling like a retarded seal.

"Kid's gonna show you two the campus and take you to your new classroom. You remember where the mansion is, right Kayla?" Shinigami-sama pointed at the blonde as he spoke. She clapped her hands together with determination.

"Absolutely! You take a left at the dead fetus garbage can and walk two miles north." Kayla repeated the directions she'd memorized at age five with such excitement there was a chance her weapon might have done something other than glance around the room in boredom. Kid, in the meantime, was stressing about the fact the blonde was missing an eye and trying not to shoot himself in the head. He had left Liz and Patty in the classroom for that very reason. All he could think about was having to put up with her idiocy for an entire day. She had absolutely no social acceptability filter. Not to mention her directions were obscene and severely offensive.

"We can't thank you enough, Shinigami-sama. You truly are a great man." the snowsuit clad child, Rita, thanked the god in perfect monotone. Kayla swept up from behind and placed the young child on her shoulders expertly before grabbing Kid by the hand and skipping out of the Death Room. Kid resisted sharply, shaking himself free before following the duo. He glanced back at his father in inquiry. Why the fuck were they there?

* * *

_**I had this idea eons ago, but I never felt like excecuting it... So here's a half-hearted first chapter! Hopefully you dudes will review and do all that lovely stuff~ Thanks for reading!**_

_**-ICPN**_


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